So, I recently shared some of my musings that I literally typed in the notes app on my phone as they came to me, over the past 3 months. So those are some real, in the moment things that I actually thought to myself. Not all rainbows and butterflies like you normally see, right? Well, same for me! I never expected the first trimester to be as hard as it was for me. Partially because of my overall optimistic attitude and partially because of the facade I’ve seen painted across my social media feeds about how amazing pregnancy is. And let me say this, it is ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY AMAZING. Being able to bring a child into the world is SUCH a breath-taking concept when you really think about it. My body is supporting, creating, and protecting a human life that my husband and I created together. Like holy shit. But just because something is amazing, doesn’t mean it’s necessarily the happiest or easiest thing to do.
I’m a pretty positive person and up until this point in my life, I honestly thought I could handle anything. I’ve been very, very humbled by this process- you know, of growing a human life, and have learned that listening to my body is something that is a lot harder than I thought.
There were some serious moments where all I did was cry in my husband’s arms and say “I can’t do this” repeatedly. I’ve never felt at war with my body before, but that’s exactly what I was feeling weeks 6-13. I couldn’t control my appetite, my hormones, the exhaustion, THE NAUSEA, the headaches- there literally wasn’t a single thing I felt like I was in control of. And being someone who whole-heartedly believes that your mentality can change any outlook- how you feel, what you do, etc, I was very shocked to learn that this was not in fact something I could mentally get through. In my mind, I was losing the war. And losing is not necessarily something I’ve ever been okay with. I emotionally and physically struggled with those 7 weeks. All 7 of which my husband waited on me hand and foot, gave me massages, ice cold water, damp towels to put on my head, cooked every meal (even if I could only swallow one bite), and even held my hair as I threw up- which only happened 3 times, thankfully. He made me believe it would get better and that it would all be worth it. He also made me believe I was strong and more than capable of handling any aspect of pregnancy- which I knew was bullshit, but still made me feel better knowing I had a personal cheerleader to love me through it.
Now that I’m officially out of the first trimester, I can honestly say, I would not wish that shit on anyone. I seriously find it very hard to believe the women on IG who “absolutely love being pregnant” and “can’t wait to be pregnant again.” BUT I honestly hope I get to a place where those words actually come out of my mouth, because it only means I’ve officially forgotten the worsts parts of it all and will (fingers crossed) not have PTSD. And I pray that should we be blessed with a second child in the future, that my next experience does not mirror my last- or at least next time around I’ll for sure have a better idea of what to expect!
With the first trimester behind me, I’m feeling SOOOOOOOO much better, my appetite has come back, my energy levels (we’re back to working out now to prep this body for labor!), and I’m feeling more and more myself. Before I was having a hard time communicating with friends and family because I was just so tired and uncomfortable all the time, and I’m not the type of person to bring everyone I know down with me, you know? So it was easier to just withdraw myself and say nothing at all rather than be the Debbie-downer.
I am so happy to have shut the door on Trimester 1 and have been enjoying Trimester 2 so far! It is radically different from the first and that is something I can get on board with! Till next time!